Warning: Honesty Included in this Post

I have a strange urge to write for some reason, but i'm not quite sure what to write about. I read my old blog today. it's still up. but i'm the only one who has access to it. And some of it's good. Some of it is actually really good. and it reminds me of a lighter time.

Something about me now is different.

I've always known this. that something. somewhere along the line has changed in me.

I was hoping that reading my old entries would possibly help me uncover this long lost mystery, and help me start reverting back to my old ways. But the most it really amounted was an all expenses paid 2 hour vacation into the past. Well, i suppose that isn't entirely true, it did give me a few leads worth pondering.

I noticed that my writing style now is quite different. I believe some would say more grown up, or professional perhaps. This would mostly be due to the fact that i believe that since i am older, i should act more refined and professional. Mostly going hand in hand with the career that i am beginning to shape. However [which huge emphasis on the however] i have recently discovered that many late twenty something/early thirty something bloggers seem to hold onto their juvinielle writing style, and make it work quite quite well. Which gets me thinking, as we get older, do we really have to lose a part of ourselves? Do we really have to subdue our creative tendencies for the sake of being taken seriously in the corporate world? Is it mandatory for us to limit our expression of personality to fit in the mainstream view of how adults should act and behave?

I suppose I may be going down a rabbit hole, but i am seriously debating where the line is drawn between our youth and our adulthood. Our playful creativity and expression versus the seriousness that seems to overcome the working world. I'm wondering why, now that i do have an actually career rather than a part time job getting me through college, i feel the need to censor myself both in writing, and in "real life" [for lack of a better expression!].

My previous writing [in which my blog was appropriately named "I'll Spill My Heart to You"], my writing went deep into my personal life. Although it is not a lashing out a particular people, it did have it's share of teenage angst, and did explain the very inner workings of my soul. The writing is raw, and honest, and i was completely exposed. In fact, i'm lucky i didn't experience any real drama resulting in the paragraphs published there. These days, i don't expose myself nearly as much [again, both in real life and in writing]. And again, i'm pretty sure it has something to do with my inner desire to create a decent name for myself. Odd. I know.

Another thing i noticed, and remembered from times past, is that my view on writing has changed dramatically. Pre-2007 it seemed that i sat down and wrote because thats how i enjoyed spending my time. I would spend hours typing away like Carrie Bradshaw, reflecting on people, my thoughts and my experiences. Then i would ponder formating, and italics and the way everything laid out on the page until it was just right, and portrayed the feeling i wanted. I didn't feel rushed or short on time or guilty for what i was doing. I just wrote and wrote and wrote to my little heart's content. Now, however, even as i write this, i'm half thinking about work tomorrow, the clothes in the washer, taking Rolo out, and how there is a million other things i should be doing instead of writing.

I often wonder where the change took place and if it was one main event or a series of smaller ones that made my mind shift in thinking. The truth is, that almost everyday i wonder what happened and how i can get back. I know that its not just wishful thinking that i was happier back then. I am confident i was [in a writing perspective... not to be confused with an overall perspective]. I know i preach about living in the present, and i mean everything i say. But i know you will agree with me when i say that sometimes its just so darned hard. It's funny how i look back on things i've previously written and A) i can remember exactly what my life was like when i wrote it, where i was living, what i was doing, who i was friends with and why i was writing it and B) i am impressed and inspired. I am always blown away by my own work, years after i originally write it. I never remember it being that good. I wonder if that's how i will feel about my current writing in a few years from now?

I'm getting to the point now, however, where i am debating giving up the search for "what i had then" Could it possibly be that it is simply the past and the way my life used to be? Am i just supposed to accept the fact that i am different now and this is the way i am supposed to be? It is true that the people i used to be close with have also changed, to the point where we don't even talk anymore. One in particular who influenced me greatly with his written words. Sometimes i feel so very alone in the world of expression, as i no longer am friends with others for have the same need to express themselves as i do. Which then leaves me in search of others out there in the blog abyss (which also sometimes makes me feel slightly creeperish).

I wonder if anyone else out there feels like a floater... waiting to again feel that feeling of inspiration and belonging that only comes with building relationships and connecting with one another (truly).

Signing off for now,

Shan