on the problem with comparisons

(image source)

I spent yesterday home sick. Full on sore throat, sweats, fever and body aches, bundled up in a bazillion layers watching tv and surfing the web. Somehow - it was less than enjoyable. Go Figure.

I did work on my art journal in small bits of time, in between naps on the couch.

Mostly I just thought, and paid attention to the matters sitting heavily on my heart.

I thought about creativity, individuality, how people view others and themselves, and how I view myself.

I thought about my own image, and how I style my hair, and the clothes that I wear (and I realized how long it's been since I've bought myself new clothes). I considered buying new clothes, but even if I had a ton of disposable income, I'm not really sure what kinds of clothes I would buy. I think I'm going through a minor identity crisis.

To be perfectly honest, I've always struggled very much with accepting my appearance. I was (and still am) deathly afraid of looking funny or being made fun of. I spend a ridiculous amount of time worrying if i look "put together" enough, if my hair is straight enough, or if it looks like a mop if I leave it go its own curly way.

I also spend equally ridiculous amounts of time admiring other people's hairstyles, or make up, or outfits, secretly trying to figure out how I could re-create that look for myself.

Trouble is, I don't spend near enough time thinking about creating those looks on my own. I know this. I recognize the problem in this, and yet I still can't seem to shake these mind patterns that I've held on to for so long.

When I was younger, it was about copying those that "fit in", and as I grew older, it was about copying those "that the guys liked" (because that just oozes self confidence!), and now... well now it's just residual feelings I suppose. Not wanting to be criticized, not wanting to look like a child, not wanting to be passed over for that raise or possible promotion because of my image.

These thoughts, mized with my desire to actually be my own person, and develop my own artistic, cooky-yet-comfortable style, left me beside myself. I didn't know where to start. And eventually got so lost, that it just started negatively affecting me.

Thankfully, my view on how I look has never been about my weight. It usually always had/has something to do with my inability to complete the look I'm going for. Even if that look is (like I mentioned above) to "not look funny." Because when I look in the mirror, I still see the 15 year old kid with glasses and braces and foofy curly hair, and freckles.

Weird, huh?

Which is why I go through phases of actually avoiding mirrors altogether.

And I've decided comparisons are to blame. I would really like to know who told women (and girls) that it was ok for us to compare ourselves to others? At what point did it become ok for society to provide girls with an image of what they should look like? And, like my friend Kayla mentions over on her blog, at what point did we decide that our self worth is tied to how we look?

I get that some of us are probably more likely to be affected by these things than others. And some people struggle with their reflections a lot more than others. And that even though I'm one of them, it still makes me sad that the next generation of girls, growing into women, will probably struggle even more than my generation is.

Because it's a horrible feeling to always be wondering if the person across the table from you is actually thinking about how awful you look.

I know, because I've been there. But everyday I'm working at it. Everyday I'm getting a little closer with coming to terms with myself, accepting who I am, and trying to let go of those nasty little gremlins in my thoughts. And everyday I'm making a conscious effort to stop comparing myself to others.